Snow Falling on Palm Trees
by JennyJoy4
Summary: A parody of works read in AP English class-see how many you recognize! Novels, plays, poems and poets, plus blueberry muffins! COMPLETE
1. The story

Snow Falling on Palm Trees  
  
I want to make very clear that this is not my invention, nor entirely my writing. My AP English Lit class wrote this at the end of the year. It helps to have read the works we did in our English class, but even so there will be things you won't understand. Don't worry about it. :) Just think of it, somewhere in this world there are nine people to whom all of this makes perfect sense and all of whom find it highly entertaining!  
  
Here's a little contest: Let's see who, in the reviews, can recognize and/or explain the most jokes/allusions! (This is not open to members of my AP class, nor our teacher, but next year's class can try!) One point for every allusion you name, two for every one you can explain!

For a hint: (Pay attention! There are some freebies here!) List of pieces parodied: Lord of the Flies by William Golding, Snow Falling on Cedars by David Guterson, Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoyevsky, The Awakening by Kate Chopin, Tess of the D'Urbervilles by Thomas Hardy, Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad, Jane Eyre by Charlotte Brontë, Cry the Beloved Country by Alan Paton, Macbeth by William Shakespeare, Hamlet by William Shakespeare, Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead by Tom Stoppard, The Stranger by Albert Camus, "Rime of the Ancient Mariner" by Samuel Taylor Coleridge, "The Flea" and other poetry by John Donne, "Eve of St. Agnes" by John Keats, "Paradise Lost" and other poetry by John Milton, Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck, Beowulf, The Sandbox by Edward Albee  
  
Other influences: Blueberry muffins; A misunderstanding about woodchucks, incited by a Robert Frost poem; An impression of Hamlet's death by Ray; A very bad mental image brought on by an allusion to deer hunting in Macbeth; A bad AP essay's misspelling of "Razumihin"; Funny names; MacDougal, the duct-tape Scotsman; Posters of Orlando Bloom and Michael Flatley ...And more! What do you notice?

* * *

It was the fall of the year, and all the birds, including the woodchucks, were flying south. Hamlet and Tess sat on a little tropical island, comparing their tragic lives.  
  
" . . . You think THAT's bad," Tess moaned, "I killed the family horse."  
  
"Well, I killed just about half the aristocracy in Denmark," Hamlet retorted.  
  
Tess sputtered. "I laid myself down on a sacrificial alter to prove my love!"  
  
The pig's head interjected, "At least your head's not on a stake."  
  
Just then, Edna washed up on the shore. "Wow, that was quite a swim," she said. "Let's see Léonce watch me HERE!"  
  
The sound of a conch horn broke the air. "What was that?" Tess asked.  
  
"It came from over there," Hamlet said. "Let's see what it was! It sounded like a symbol of authority!"  
  
They and Edna started up the beach toward a grove of palm trees. In the shade stood a man in a kilt, holding a conch shell and a bloodied sword. He was rambling something about "Yesterday and Yesterday and Yesterday creeps in this petty pace... Wait..."  
  
"Who are you?" Edna asked.  
  
"Who is anyone?" Guildenstern interjected. Everyone ignored him.  
  
"I'm Macbeth. Welcome to MY island." He put his hand on his chest and bowed slightly. "And this is my conch. I killed some kid named Ralph to get it."  
  
"I know how I got here," Edna said, "But how did all of YOU get here?"  
  
Hamlet stepped up and motioned to another man. "Horatio, tell our story." Horatio took a deep breath, and began.

* * *

"A few days ago, we set off from the Congo on a steamship, captained by Mr. Marlow. Along the way, we saw a Holy Albatross. Raskolnikov—" here he glared at a chagrined-looking Russian, "the idiot, caught up in his "extraordinary man theory", after 100 pages of deliberation, took up his axe and threw it at the albatross, thinking that the world would be a better place without it. The water was suddenly not warm and sensuous anymore, and a huge storm blew up. The steamer was pushed way off course, and we were marooned on this island."  
  
"Well, I'm a hunter, because I can sing a high C sharp," Jack said. Everyone just looked at him. Macbeth ran him through with his sword.  
  
"We don't need pigs," Macbeth said callously, "we have plenty of Macduff Bologna."  
  
"Love thy brother, Macbeth," Msimangu said, shaking his finger at him. "Only through love and forgiveness will we unite and survive," he said. Macbeth ran him through too.  
  
"Wait, before we kill anyone else," Rosencrantz said, "why are we here?"  
  
Piggy stood up and huffed, "Didn't you hear the conch? You have to come when he blows the conch!"  
  
"Statement. One, love," Rosencrantz said.  
  
"I have called this assembly because Ophelia says she's seen the Beastie." "Well, Ophelia also says, 'Customable lattice new is plagiarism,' and 'Geiko just saved me 15% on my car insurance,' so why should we believe her?" Mersault scoffed.  
  
"I saw it too," said Ishmael. "I'm writing an article about it."  
  
"What does it look like?" Jane asked.  
  
"Well, it's better-looking than YOU," John Donne said, in a strange attempt to seduce her.  
  
Piggy snatched the conch from Macbeth and danced out of the way of his sword. "I have the conch! And I think we need to find out what the Beastie looks like."  
  
"It was horrible," Ishmael said. "It had sharp teeth and big toes and feathers, and it moaned."  
  
"Yes!" people began to clamor. "We've heard it at night!" So they decided to organize search parties and try to find the Beastie.

* * *

Edna, Raskolnikov and his little dwarf Razhumpkin searched in the glade. But it was not long before Edna and Raskolnikov sat down and began thinking. Razhumpkin occupied himself by spinning vines into gold. After ten minutes of this, Edna turned to Raskolnikov, and said, "Don't even THINK about killing me."  
  
"Wait, where's Razhumpkin?" Raskolnikov asked. Just then, there was a terrible electric twang and a wretched scream cut through the air.  
  
Edna cried, "I'm not sacrificing myself for him! Let's get out of here!"  
  
"The world was better without him, anyway," Raskolnikov answered, following her.

* * *

Meanwhile, Hamlet, Tess and Mersault searched the scar.  
  
"I don't think we should do anything until we're absolutely sure there IS a beastie," Hamlet said. "Let's set up a play and see if anyone looks guilty."  
  
Tess, wallowing in her own misery, sighed, "It's all my fault the ship crashed."  
  
"...Yet conscience does make cowards of us all. If I wait, more people may die!"  
  
"...I should've been pretty! I should've been pure! I wonder if Brazil is anywhere around here?"  
  
"Do I even care if I kill the beastie? It should kill me! We end the heartache and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to..."  
  
"If only I hadn't killed the horse, then I wouldn't have gone to work for Alec, then he wouldn't have raped me (of course that was all my fault), then I wouldn't have alienated Angel, then I wouldn't have gone to the Evil Dairy, then I wouldn't have gotten on the ship and crashed it, and then I wouldn't have slowed down my search party..."  
  
Mersault stood there, almost blinded by the sun, and deafened by the constant soliloquies of Hamlet and Tess. His head pounded. He pulled out his revolver and shot them both, paused, then shot them both four more times with a sound of horrible finality. In the pause that followed, Mersault said, "Wow, that's the first time I've been glad of anything for a long time."

* * *

Macbeth, Gruoch and Etta Heine, the third and final search party, headed for the mountain.  
  
"I'm not so sure about this," Macbeth said, eying the mountain. "I'm not fond of heights."  
  
"You're such a wimp," Gruoch groaned, rolling her eyes.  
  
Just then, the sound of woodchucks migrating south filled the air. With terrible shrieks, they fell upon the sharks and ate them up. Then, squawking, they flew on.  
  
"WHAT was THAT?" Etta asked.  
  
"Chaos reigns," Gruoch said. "The natural order is out of joint." She glanced down at her dress. "Stupid woodchucks! Look what they did to my gown! Out, out, damn spot!"  
  
"You wife is crazy," Etta said. "You should've married a good German girl."  
  
An eerie sound of moaning rose from the forest. Etta and Gruoch screamed. "It's the beastie!"  
  
"Don't worry about it," Macbeth said. "It's all good. Some witches told me that I cannot be killed by any thing that sees me in combat. Also, I cannot die until snow falls on the palm trees by Castle Rock."  
  
"Well, they didn't say anything about US!" said Etta. "I'm leaving!" She left, muttering, "Stupid Scots."  
  
Gruoch followed, grumbling something about, "We never communicate anymore. I should've married MacDougal."  
  
Macbeth watched them go. As soon as they disappeared into the trees, he heard them both scream, and an eerie "MBW AAAAANNNNN" reverberated across the island. Macbeth shrugged.  
  
"Well, she should've died hereafter."

* * *

The rest of the castaways were holed up in Castle Rock. Rosencrantz and Guildenstern were keeping guard, munching on blueberry muffins and flipping coins.  
  
"Heads."  
  
"Heads."  
  
"Heads."  
  
Piggy watched them, shaking his head for a few minutes, then finally walked over, huffing and puffing. Wiping off his specs on his shirt, he said slowly, "Guys. It's a two-headed coin."  
  
Rosencrantz looked at the coin, then flipped it over and looked at the other side. He glared up at Piggy. "You can't talk to us. You don't have the conch."  
  
Edna, Raskolnikov, Mersault and Macbeth emerged from the trees and pelted toward the rock. "Run!" Edna shouted. "The beastie's coming!"  
  
"But what about my ass-mar?" Piggy shrieked.  
  
In unison, they shouted, "Sucks to your ass-mar!"  
  
"Too late! Mersault said, pointing into the trees. "There it is!"  
  
A loud twang was heard again, and the trees shook as the beastie emerged from the forest. He was an old man in 17th century garb, stumbling about with a cane, carrying an electric lute and an amp strapped to his back. He opened his mouth to say something...  
  
But what came out was so long and so complex that nobody understood a word of it. They all stood there, stunned.  
  
"Who are you?" Guildenstern asked. "Oh, I mean, Who goes there?"  
  
"Who is anyone?" Rosencrantz answered.  
  
Macbeth looked at them under his brows. "Who wants a sword through his gut?"  
  
"You win," Rosencrantz said to him.  
  
"I'm Milton," the beastie said. "John Milton." The 007 theme song began in the background.

* * *

Etta and Gruoch ran from the frightening sound of the electric lute. Something crashed through the underbrush. Etta screamed again, and then Razhumpkin ran into the clearing.  
  
"Oh, it's only you," Gruoch said.  
  
"What do you mean ONL Y me?" Razhumpkin answered defiantly.  
  
"Let's light a fire!" Etta suddenly said.  
  
"I liiiiike fiiiiiire..." Razhumpkin hissed, distracted. "My preccccioussssss..."  
  
"Alright," Gruoch said, brightening. "Let's get some firewood. And Etta, tie up the dwarf."  
  
"Nooooooo!"

* * *

"Pleased to meet you, Milton," Guildenstern said. "I'm Rosencrantz."  
  
"And I'm Guildenstern," Rosencrantz added. "Oh, hang on..."  
  
Jane Eyre broke it. "What do you mean by scaring us all to death with your electric lute?"  
  
Milton started and looked around. "Who's that?"  
  
"Can't you see?" Guildenstern asked.  
  
"Can't you?" Rosencrantz answered.  
  
"I'm blind," Milton said.  
  
"Statement. One, love."  
  
"See?" Macbeth said triumphantly. "I'm invincible!"  
  
"You're a loony," Kumalo said under his breath.  
  
"Look!" Donne said, pointing at the palm trees. "Someone set a fire! Look at the ash! It looks like snow falling on the palm trees!"  
  
"Oh NOOOOO!!!" Macbeth cried.  
  
"Is that you, Donne?" Milton said. "I haven't seen you for a long time."  
  
"You haven't seen ANYTHING in a long time."  
  
Rosencrantz ran forward and tried to catch the "snow" on his tongue, then screamed when it burned him.  
  
John Donne was in the background, proposing to Jane Eyre. "I don't love you, but marry me anyway!"  
  
"Hey, that's my line!" Mersault interrupted.  
  
"I meant it in the sense that. . ." He went on for awhile, while Mersault ignored him.  
  
"Here, I'LL show you how to write a love poem," Milton cried, still annoyed by Donne's jibe. He pulled out his quill and stumbled forward. "Somebody give me some paper." Just then, he tripped on a rock and fell into Macbeth, stabbing him through the heart. "Oops. Did I do that?"  
  
Unfortunately, Lennie had just noticed Milton's ruff. "Ooh, soft ruffles! Look, George, soft ruffles!" He began to pat Milton's head—actually, it was more of a thump than a pat. Milton tried to run, but Lennie had grabbed hold of his cravat.  
  
George looked away. "Oh expletive deleted, not again."  
  
Milton yelped. "Let go of me!" He began to flail about, trying to free himself. Lennie patted harder. "And I will take care of him and feed him alfalfa. George will let me keep him if I take care of him."  
  
"I can see!" Milton cried suddenly.  
  
Then there was an awful noise, and Lennie looked down in surprise. "I done a bad thing. Now George won't let me feed the rabbits."  
  
Before anyone had any time to react, Jane cried, "Look!"  
  
As everyone stared out into the surf, a man in full, gleaming armor swam up to shore. The waves crashed upon the golden sand, and theme music began to play in the background. Removing his helmet in slow motion, he shook out his hair like a shampoo commercial. As he strode up the beach, everyone could see that he looked exactly like Orlando Bloom. Edna's jaw dropped and her eyes glazed over like a doughnut.  
  
"My name... (dramatic pause)... is Beowulf," he said, pulling a Michael Flatley pose and swinging his arms like wings. "And I am here to save you all. I heard there was a beastie."  
  
"Were you looking for us?" Edna said, pursing her lips and batting her eyelashes.  
  
"No, this is just my morning workout. Everybody ready?"  
  
Picking up every one of them and carrying them all on his back, he dove back into the water in full armor and pulled out his giant's sword. "This swim should only take about fifteen minutes, including whale-killings on the way. Which continent am I dropping people on first?" he said, swimming at an incredible speed.  
  
"Doesn't matter," Kumalo said, "All roads lead to Johannesburg." They swam off into the sunset.

* * *

Gruoch, Etta and Razhumpkin ran out onto the beach just in time to see the huge crowd on Beowulf s back disappear over the horizon. "Oh, darn," Razhumpkin said. "NOW what do we do? I've got an idea! Who can guess my name?"  
  
But that is the beginning of a new story-the story of the gradual renewal of a man. The story of his gradual regeneration. Of his passing from one world into another. Of his initiation into a new, unknown life. That might be the subject of a new story. But our present story is ended.


	2. The answers

SPOILER WARNING!

Well, I got some entries for the contest. Here are all the answers. I figured I'd better write them down before I forget what the entire thing means... **_Don't read any farther if you still want to guess or you think explaining the jokes will make them less funny!_**

Translation of the parody:

Title: Snow Falling on Palm Trees: Snow Falling on Cedars

Plot is mostly a cross between Macbeth and Lord of the Flies.

Woodchucks flying south: While reading a poem by Robert Frost (I think it was "Apple-picking Time", not sure), we were talking about woodchucks hibernating, and Carey said, "Woodchucks hibernate? I thought they flew south for the winter.." Which, of course, produced a lot of hilarity and some funny drawing of flying woodchucks. She thought he meant woodpeckers.

Tess and Hamlet: two irritatingly tragic characters from Hamlet and Tess of the D'Urbervilles. Tess killed the family horse, which was part of the beginning of the string of unstoppable events that led to her death. Hamlet killed about six people over the course of the play. The sacrificial altar in Tess is symbolized by her laying down at Stonehenge at the end. The pig's head was a sacrifice to the beastie.

Edna Pontellier: In The Awakening, there's a lot of symbolism in the sea. Toward the beginning Edna learns to swim and goes out swimming away from her husband (Leonce), but he tells her at the end that she was safe b/c he was watching her the whole time. At the end she drowns herself.

The conch: the symbol of authority in Lord of the Flies: it is blown to call the children together, and you'll only allowed to speak at a meeting when you're holding the conch. Piggy is adamant about the rules.

"Yesterday...": The man in the kilt is, of course, Macbeth, who kills tons of people (thus the bloody sword). His most famous speech in the play beginnings, "Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow/Creeps in this petty pace..." Carey, on a memorization test of the passage, accidentally wrote, "Yesterday and yesterday and yesterday..." Once again, we all thought this was very funny.

Guildenstern: From Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead. They keep playing the question game, where you can only speak in questions.

Ralph: The original leader of the island in Lord of the Flies.

Horatio: At the end of Hamlet, Hamlet tells Horatio to tell the people what happened. Ray's take on this was, "Horatio.... Tell my story... dies... head pops up--Fortinbras shall be the next king!—dies again. This line cracked us up to write, too.

Congo: Marlowe is the main character in Heart of Darkness, a steamship captain who is sailing down the Congo River.

Holy Albatross: Killed by the "Ancient Mariner", its death brings horrible luck to the crew.

Raskolnikov: In Crime and Punishment, after unending deliberation, he killed the old pawnbroker with an ax because he wanted to test his "extraordinary man" theory, and it was okay to kill her because the world would be a better place without her.

Water: Water is described as warm and sensuous in The Awakening.

Jack: Jack claims he should be in charge of the hunters, who were formerly a choir, because he could hit the highest note. Lord of the Flies.

Macduff Bologna: Okay, this will take some explanation. We live in PA, where deer hunting is very popular. In Macbeth, Macduff's family is murdered, and they're described as being left in a heap of dead people, like a pile of deer. We didn't understand this image, so our teacher said, "Well, you know when you kill a bunch of deer you lay the bodies in a heap." Emily said, "No you don't, you take them home and make bologna out of them!" And I started laughing and said, "Macduff bologna!" and everybody else said, "ewwww!!! Hee hee hee!" So they don't need to hunt for pigs as long as they have Macduff Bologna.

Msimangu: a character in Cry the Beloved Country. That spiel about uniting and surviving was what we decided the theme of the book was. Notice: Macbeth keeps killing things. Character description.

Rosencrantz: Playing the question game again!

Piggy: This is the kind of thing he keeps saying.

Lattice: This particular sentence was made by picking random words out of a dictionary. Ophelia is from Hamlet, and she's nuts.

Ishmael: Journalist from Snow Falling on Cedars.

John Donne: This is a contribution of Ray's and it's absolutely hilarious, but it takes a bit of explanation. Ray was mad because every person Jane meets (Jane Eyre) seems to feel compelled to comment on the fact that she's not pretty. "Hi, Jane, you're really nice, but boy, you're ugly!" This is combined with the fact that John Donne tried to seduce someone by writing a poem about squishing fleas. The man had issues.

Razhumpkin: We read a packet of really bad AP essays, and in one on Crime and Punishment somebody called Razumihin "Razhumpkin", which we found terribly funny. We decided he must be a cross between Razumihin and Rumplestiltzkin.

Edna tells Raskolnikov not to kill her, because if he's sitting thinking, that's probably what he's thinking about.

Electric twang: this is explained later in the Milton part.

Edna refuses to sacrifice her inner being for her children.

Raskolnikov killed the pawnbroker because the world was better off without her.

Hamlet sets up a play (does anybody else find this silly?) to see if Claudius is actually guilty of his father's murder. Bits of the theme and text of Hamlet are strewn through here.

Tess has a guilt complex and believes everything is her fault, even the fact that she was drugged and raped. Angel, her lover, went to Brazil. Everything in Tess is almost fated to happen—one bad thing leads to another etc.

Mersault: from The Stranger. He feels blinded and attacked by the sun and senselessly murders some random guy. He shoots him, then pauses and shoots him four more times. Mersault has no real feelings most of the time.

Gruoch was the given name of the historical Lady Macbeth. We just thought the name was funny.

Etta Heine is Carl Heine's mother in Snow Falling on Cedars. She's racist and thinks Carl should marry a good German girl.

Lady Macbeth basically calls Macbeth a wimp in Shakespeare.

More flying woodchucks. They eat the sharks because in Shakespearean tragedies, particularly Macbeth, weird things happen like a smaller animal eating a larger one because the natural order is in chaos until it gets fixed by the protagonist.

Lady Macbeth sleepwalks, trying to wash the blood off her hands and says, "Out, out, damn spot!"

The witches in Macbeth told him that he couldn't be killed by any man born of woman (Macduff was a C-section) and couldn't be defeated until the woods marched on the castle.

MacDougal: Ray dressed up as a Scotsman, complete with accent, for Halloween and called himself MacDougal. So when our school had a duct tape apparel contest, our class turned him into a duct-taped Scotsman. MacDougal was a very good sport with us taping him into a costume.

"She should've died hereafter" is a famous quote from Macbeth.

Castle Rock: Lord of the Flies

Blueberry muffins: Emily's favorite treat for Friday morning English meetings

Throughout the beginning of Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead, Ros and Guil flip coins, and they always come up heads.

Piggy (Lord of the Flies) has asthma and always huffs and puffs, plus always wipes his "specs" on his shirt.

When Piggy is told to run he always shrieks, "What about my ass-mar!" And everybody else always answers, "Sucks to your ass-mar!"

The beastie turns out to be Milton (17th century garb, blind). The electric lute and amp are from another inside joke. In "Eve of St. Agnes", the male lead watches his girlfriend undress, while hidden in the closet, then wakes her up by playing the lute in her ear. She is, for some odd reason, enchanted by this. We decided if some pervert watched us undress and then woke us up by bwanging on his stupid electric lute in our ears, we would btch him out and wake up the castle. Milton's constructions are unbelievably long and complicated. A sentence may be more than 10 lines of poetry long, and the subject and verb end up somewhere in the middle of that. It's insane.

More of the questions game

The 007 thing was just random.

My preccciousssss... If you don't get this reference, I'm going to have to kill you.

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern can never keep track which of them is who.

Jane Eyre is the only character we can trust to say something sensible...

Mooore questions...

"I'm invicible" "You're a loony" is something I randomly threw in from Monty Python. Has nothing to do with English class. We were getting silly . :)

John Donne proposes: since he was trying to seduce her earlier, we figured he'd have a weird way of proposing to her, too. St. John in Jane Eyre basically says this same thing to Jane. In The Stranger, Mersault's girlfriend asks him if they're going to get married and being completely unemotional, he says, if you want. She asks if he loves her and he says no, but if she wants to get married, okay. It's just a little weird.

Lennie and George: From Of Mice and Men. Lennie likes nice soft stuff, like rabbits, and he doesn't know his own strength. He accidentally kills someone because he's stroking her hair and she freaks out and he breaks her neck. George swears a lot.

Man in armor: Beowulf is completely insane. The man goes swimming for eight days in full armor while killing whales with his sword and doesn't drown? Hello?

Edna is seduced by practically every man she meets.

Austyn put up an Orlando Bloom poster in the room over the "Michael Flatley: Lord of the Dance" poster. Ray used to do impressions of Michael. Also, in "The Sandbox", the supposed angel of death does calisthenics that look like wing movements.

Kumalo: Cry the Beloved Country, which includes the quote, "All roads lead to Johannesburg."

Last paragraph is word-for-word the ending of Crime and Punishment.


End file.
